DAPHNE & CELESTE: WHO WANTS A STOOL IN OUR DECADENT SOCIETY?

Over the years, there have been some memorable endings to music careers. Kurt Cobain and his shotgun, Gary Glitter and PC World, Sandy Denny and gravity… but few quite as spectacular as Daphne & Celeste’s frankly suicidal appearance at Reading Festival in 2000.

Sandwiched between the likes of Oasis and Slipknot, the sky fairly blackened with bottles of piss as the pop duo not only finished their set but happily attended a press conference afterwards.

So where have they been hiding for the last few years? It quickly becomes apparent that any conventional interview technique is going to fall flat on its face with these two, so who better to chip in questions than the kitten-obsessed web community, b3ta.com?

You released three singles and then all but vanished from the music scene. What was the reason behind that?
We were kidnapped by bandits from Sudan, and our family has just been able to put together the ransom, so we’re free now and ready to do a TV show.

What was touring with Steps like? Does the image continue off-stage, or is it all swearing, punch-ups,drugs and minor homicide?
As you can imagine, nothing is as it seems. We were ostracized from the pop community by that point in our illustrious career, so we don’t really know about the inner workings of the Steps folk. Let’s just say we heard some crazy shit – screaming, ranting, animal noises, it was more like we were on tour with Ozzy, let’s just leave it at that…

What is your favourite cheese? And have either of you tried to flog random items of your possession to pathetic fans over eBay?
Daphne: My favourite cheeses are aged Wisconsin cheddar (minimum age: 6 years), Gouda and Velveeta. Celeste: I like Swiss and government cheese. Daphne: Well believe it or not, we sold an official Reading autographed bottle of piss on eBay as a joke, and it actually sold for three thousand pounds (buyer undisclosed).

Speaking of Reading Festival, did you sack your management for booking you into such an inappropriate gig?
We booked ourselves, so we had no one to sack, and it was sort of our crowning achievement in a sick, self-loathing way, wasn’t it?

So was your appearance at Reading Festival a conscious act of self immolation?
Yes, we were aware of the crowd’s hatred going into the event. We pretty much furnished our flat with goodies from the audience, chairs, wheelchairs, clocks, phones, etc.etc. We also got some great clothes, and some packaged food. We knew we would get a lot of free stuff at Reading, so thanks to everyone who threw things, it really helped us out.

If I took two potatoes and carved them into the shape of your heads, would you buy them off me? Or at least accept them as curiously frightening gifts?
It really depends on your artistry in terms of potentially buying them, and you would also need to figure out a way to prevent them from rotting. I would never refuse a gift that was so creative however I would really never refuse a gift (this is how we both feel).

Far be it for me to question the integrity of your lyrics, but is it really possible to “put fleas in cheese, mix them with glue and use it like shampoo”?
Of course, we only speak the truth, why else would we have said that? We tried it, and it works wonders on any type of hair (especially chemically processed hair). Goat cheese is the recommended, and we only support Elmer’s glue.

What is your favourite sandwich?
I’m hungry right now and can’t stop thinking about sandwiches. Sandwiches, sandwiches, sandwiches. We are actually in talks to have a TV show where we are “sandwich artistes” and you make the sandwich with us at home. After we’ve all made the sandwiches, a celebrity guest will come to eat it, and Celeste and I will have a jam session with other musicians…

How do you feel about the pop music scene now – who are the current pretenders to the D&C throne?
Pop is dead and good riddance. We never had a throne, merely a stool, and who really wants a stool in our decadent society?

Words: Bad Horsey
Illustration: Von

First appeared in Fused Magazine Issue 26