BOB LOG III WANTS BOOB SCOTCH
Who is Bob Log III? Do you really want to know? Popular press are speculating he may be a Stroke or Tom Waits much to the giggling of those who know the truth…Tom Waits himself is a fan, as are most people who come across his own brand of supersonic slide guitar one-man-band attack. Even hardened old school blues players like R.L Burnside are down with his style, and when Bob was drafted as RL’s second guitarist for a tour he insisted Bob was “hanging in there like a dirty shirt.”
One legend would have us believe that when Bob Log III was a child, he lost his left hand in a boating accident. It was soon replaced with a monkey paw that can move at lightning speed, and a new guitar style was born.
Another tells a tale of a man from Tucson Arizona who was one half of Doo Rag, a dirty thrash blues duo who spent 6 years touring the world until halfway through a tour with Ween when the drummer realised he didn’t want to tour no more and decided to split. The man left standing decided to carry on, kicking his guitar case for rhythm. At the end of his first solo show a girl took him home and he’s been a one man band ever since, upgrading his guitar case for a kick drum, cymbal and two drum machines, all of which he operates with his feet while his hands do that slide guitar thing so well.
His live antics would have you believe he is a man obsessed by the fruits of the fairer sex. He encourages ‘tit clapping’ (on his second album ‘Trike’ he hired 2 professional ladies to do the fleshy percussion), takes a girl on each knee while he rocks the house (the slide guitar ride), and refreshes himself with his own patented ‘boob scotch’. ‘Boob scotch? Bob explains…
“I was having a really bad day. So bad I had to go lay down in a parking lot. Just lay there not moving. Somebody actually called an ambulance because they thought I was dead. When the paramedics showed up one of them asked me,
“Are you OK?”
“I been better” I croaked back” I got a man sized pile of trouble.”
He looked at me carefully ” I prescribe scotch my friend,” he winked at me, ” A man’s drink for a mansize pile of trouble.”
Whether he was right or wrong, I had to do something.
I got my ass up off the parking lot.
The next thing I remember is four of us sitting in a very fancy old bar in downtown Denver. There was me, C.K. my tour buddy, and two girls.
The girls each had one naked tit smashed into the small opening of the ice filled scotch glass in my hand. There were a lot of people looking at us.
“I am going to get fired.” the bartender said.
“For christs sake pour it!” the blonde one said.
“I promised this man boob scotch.” said the brunette.
“BOOB SCOTCH!” I yelled and my life was changed forever.
The fine, smokey 12 year old scotch slowly trickled over a 25 year old boob smooshed together with a 29 year old boob and either landed happily in the bed of ice in my glass or spilled down my arm all over the front of my pants.
The bartender walked away in disgust, and I looked at the drink in my hand.
The boobs had helped melt the ice to a perfect mixture of scotch and water.
Boob scotch and boob water that is. I took a little sip.
BANG! All my shitpiles turned into sunshine!
BOOM! The blues got punched in the eye!
BLAM! My demons jumped right out the window hole and ran limping down the street like a bear shot in the ass!
“BOOB SCOTCH!” I said again and raised my drink in the air.
“I want to buy this man a drink” said the nice mexican lady in the booth behind us.
“Oh No” said the bartender.
Ladies and Gentlemen, you have been introduced to a new drink, a strong potion, a new song and a new dance. Be Careful! I am Bob Log and the party knob has just been turned up another notch! Try it and see.
Boob Scotch!”
Amongst all this we mustn’t forget that Bob Log lives to play, anytime anywhere from small joints in countries that have yet to fully embrace the man, to huge shows in Japan where Bob is as big as all get out…
“Last years touring got too crazy. I am still trying to recuperate. I played everywhere, almost 200 shows. From a bowling alley in Oklahoma to a concert hall in Belgium. I played at rock festivals, ,jazz festivals, blues festivals, science fiction conventions, laundromats, restaurants, and backyards. I did shows with T Model Ford, Slayer, The Donnas,20 Miles, Hydro Guru, Hank Williams III, BB King, BB and Serge, and Gary Bear. I took 22 airplanes,15 boats,14 trains, and drove 22,000 miles in 21 countries. I did a lot of damage to rental cars. I was pulled over and searched three times -twice in Georgia. I put too much whiskey in my ice cream at a girls after show whisky ice cream party in Boston and I almost lost my helmet. In Australia, a girl gave herself a champagne enema and my amplifier blew up. I ate goose liver, rabbit, reindeer, shrimp heads, kangaroo, brain, and nato. I think I drank a lot of beer. My car got robbed in Copenhagen, but I found most of my shit in the bushes. I played dodgeball with a girl who had huge boobs in Chicago. I got 7 parking tickets. There was a press conference in Estonia, and a court date in Albuquerque. I bought two guitars. Once I threw up hot dog out my nose. I have been hit in the head with beer bottles and beach balls, and I have seen grown men remove their shirts and try to clap their tits together. About 300 girls sat on my knees during “I want your shit on my leg”, One of them was a very pretty midget. One was a Japanese pop star. One girl in Austin bit me so hard she left teeth marks, and a girl in Hiroshima almost cut my leg apart with her boney butt. I just stopped limping.”
Surely such injuries would stop the man from performing the slide guitar ride night after night…
“A girl dancing to your guitar playing is better than any drug, drink, food, or rollercoaster. But I wanted something more than dancing going on. At first I came up with Tit Clapping but unfortunately not everyone wants to do that. Sometimes it happens, but not often enough.
When I play my guitar I am sitting down, because I am playing drums with my feet as well. One day I looked down and I noticed how lonely my knees looked. they bounce up and down with the beat but that was about all the did. “Hey” I thought to myself “How about I put a girl on this knee, and another girl on that knee, and bounce them up and down during a song as hard and as fast as I can?” I just might like it.
“OK ladies” I shouted to the crowd, “Who wants to sit on the band?” Immediately there were four girls on stage fighting over each knee. That worked pretty good I thought. In fact it seemed like those girls were just waiting for some band to let them sit on it. So with those words I became the first band in the world you can sit on. Once I got two of them comfortably straddling my knees, I started the song. I bounced those girls up and down, left and right, side to side, like a rock and roll rollercoaster. The girls were smiling and trying real hard to hang on, because my powerful knees were like a bucking bronco. I think one girl hit her head on the ceiling. At the end of the song I got two big kisses and two big hugs and the whole room was smiling so big all our faces hurt.
” I want to do that again” I thought to myself.
And so the Slide Guitar Ride was born. All you need is two women, your guitar, and your bouncing knees. But before you run out and try it, I feel it is my duty to inform you of the dangers.
Some girls get so excited that they bite. I have teeth marks on my neck right now. Sometimes you have to wash your pants, and occasionally a very, very heavy girl can bruise you up so bad that you will be limping around for a few days. And lastly, if the girls are just too heavy, and you play the song too fast, you WILL THROW UP from over exertion. Try running a mile with a backpack full of rocks and you will see what I mean.
I was playing a festival in Bourge, France. There were many stages, and I was playing in a large round thing with two other bands. Both of these bands- Sahara Hotnights and The Donnas- had 4 hot 18-19 year old girls each. That is 8 hot chick teenagers and me. Let me repeat-8 HOT CHICK TEENAGERS AND ME. And the Sahara Hotnights were Swedish. That was the best backstage sandwich I ever had.
Until…
On this particular night, A very large French girl lumbered up and plopped it on me. My left knee disappeared in the lower French alps. Something else landed on my right knee, but I couldn’t see around the first girl enough to tell if it was even human. It might have just been the rest of her. So I start the song, doing the best I can with all of that on me.
Now normally I am a complete professional-got all my shit, all the time. But this day I happened to have forgotten my drumstool and I was using a hard wooden chair.
Well, the combination of a huge French girl and very hard wood split my ass open.
Not the whole thing, just a part. It hurt. So I finish the song up pretty quick decided that show was over.
As I am limping offstage, applying direct pressure to stop the blood flow, the best looking Donna says,
” Why don’t you play another one?”
There are all there, standing there looking at me. Eight wide eyed girls,
Sixteen wide shirted boobs. And some of them are Swedish.
I say,”I can’t, My ass is bleeding.”
Listen to me- This is the wrong thing to say to a beautiful girl.
Especially eight of them.
So I hobbled away from their cute but now horrified faces, went into my trailer, and poured some Johnny Walker directly on my bleeding ass. Then I mopped it up with a clean pair of socks. Now you know why that shit is on my rider. For a week I had to sit on towels and hope for skinny girls.
But I am never afraid of a challenge. If I am in Texas or somewhere and I see the biggest girl I have ever seen, that is the girl I want on me, just to see if I can do it. One time in Germany, there were absolutely no women at all at the show. The knee does not discriminate, so I had to bounce a 250 pond German man on it. The next day I had a bruise the shape of a man’s balls on my leg. I hate to think about how bruised his balls must have been.”
And what about the helmet?
“What helmet?” he asks, his voice muffled by a helmet.
So there you have it…Bob Log III. One man, drum kick, slide guitar ride. Go see the show. That’s all you need to know.
BOB LOG III WANTS BOOB SCOTCH
First appeared in Fused magazine issue 15
